College football has finally started, meaning we can all look forward to increased traffic during home games, or whatever it is we care about college football. Whew. With this not in mind, I’ve compiled a list of buzz words that British commentators use during soccer matches (or in England, “lorry” matches). American football fans, please skip reading until the bottom line.*
After watching a few games and comparing the commentary to that of the bloviated, useless child babble of American football (or, to be fair, American soccer), you might start wondering that if war was Scrabble, then we’d have to start worrying about our former overlords again. Luckily though, it isn’t, and we can carry on neglecting our school system. But! We can’t keep letting these lorry-driving, meat pie-eating islanders get away with pretending to have a better mastery of the mother tongue. That’s right, pretending. Let’s look at the facts!
You don’t hear the word “marauding” in an American football game very often, but those pompous Brits sure love the word, so much you’d think England would be a nation of pirates. Seriously, every time some little winger runs any distance with the ball it’s described as marauding. This guy does it a lot. He is not a pirate. His name it Theo. Similarly, you might be impressed when Liverpool’s defending is described as “shambolic,” but probably not as much so when you hear the same word describing the defending of West Brom, Wigan, the English National team, Titus Bramble or basically every time someone makes a mistake. “Howler” seems like a unique way of describing a particularly terrible goalkeeping mishap, but the word is so overused it provides predictable headlines the morning after every one of these instances. Successful passes or shots of note are described alternately as “brilliant,” “sensational,” or merely “decent.” All good words, especially with a British accent. But the vocabulary cache remains small. So suck it, England. Your accent will cover for your ineptitudes no longer!
Anyways, boring boring boring topic, but you could probably make a drinking game out of it.
“But on she flies, carpet-bombing the 24-hour news cycle: now announcing her desire to meet with her “political heroine” Margaret Thatcher (the better to look like Ronald Reagan, presumably, though Palin seemed unaware that Thatcher is suffering from dementia); now yelping in theatrical complaint (“I want my straws! I want ’em bent!”), to shrug off revelations that her speaking contract demands deluxe hotel rooms, first-class air travel, and bottles of water with bendable straws; now responding (in a statement read on the Today show) to reports of her daughter Bristol’s re-engagement to Levi Johnston; and all the while issuing scores of political endorsements and preparing a fall media blitz.”—Whatever. I don’t care what this says, but LOOK AT THIS SENTENCE! 111 words. That is a long sentence. Excellent job, Vanity Fair.