We have too many seriously lame holidays in this country. Columbus Day? The man was a pompous tyrant who still thought he had landed in Asia until his dying day. Arbor Day, are you kidding me? President’s Day? Presidents Shmesidents. Christmas? OK we can keep Christmas.
I propose, as Secretary of Holidays, that we get rid of these offenders and replace them with a select number of weather holidays. Whenever the weather outside is so impossibly lovely (such as today) that it’s a crime to keep people inside working, the mayor can enact a public holiday. Schools will close, banks and businesses will shut down and everyone can go out and play. Naturally, pools, frisbee shops, bars and restaurants with patio seating will have to stay open, but those employees should be happy with the public service they’re providing.
With this act, holiday awesomeness should shoot up roughly 429%, which would make my term as Secretary of Holidays the most successful since the famed “Cupcake day McAdams” administration of the 1870’s.
So remember, VOTE SA25489 FOR SECRETARY OF HOLIDAYS 2010!
Naps freak me out. When I was three I told my mom I wasn’t going to take them anymore, and with good reason. You’re awake, doing things with full deliberateness and knowledge of your existence, then you’re awake again, only groggy and often in some contorted position, with 20 or so minutes having passed that are unaccounted for. What the hell happened? Were you roofied? Was it alien abduction? Did you have some kind of brain aneurysm and wake up a different person? It’s not like normal 8 hour night sleeping, that is scheduled and routine and gives you time to lock your door and snuggle under covers. Sometimes you feel even worse afterwards. What the hell, body?
Someone should look into this, is all I’m saying. Like, scientists.
I got a paragraph down before realizing it’s the Onion. It really doesn’t seem too bad of an idea. I never really understood, if your brand is already universally known and everyone already has an opinion on it, what’s the point of advertising? I read an article once  about how Papst Blue Ribbon, the hipster’s beer of choice, doesn’t advertise because they feel it could actually hurt the brand. If you’re actually trying to make people like you, it makes you less cool, and so on and so forth. By not trying to sell itself, Papst has somehow positioned itself as unpretentious and anti-snobbish, which when poured down the gullet of a snobby, pretentious hipster, said hipster achieves the ultimate sought-after status of “ironic.”
With the burgeoning hipster market seemingly taking over the world (or at least Austin), maybe it would be wise to target them by not targeting anyone. I mean, everybody’s a hipster nowadays. Your mom is a hipster. Hipsters don’t need Rihanna to tell them what’s cool. Rihanna’s lame. Everybody and everything that tries is lame.
But also: what? How did the Twilight sequel get Thom Yorke on board? And Bon Iver and Death Cab and Grizzly Bear? And a Hot Topic tour??? I’m so confused. Don’t they have their carefully crafted indie reps to protect? Do they all have huge crushes on Robert Pattinson, or did they all just decide to do it ironically? Maybe they only felt safe selling out if everyone did it together?
There has to be a more insidious explanation: vampires. Somehow, they are behind it all. Thom Yorke surely is one, or colludes with them at least, and Lykke Li is suspect as well. In fact, with their pale skin, late night hours, and affinity for dark clothing, you have to wonder if most indie artists are bloodsucking vampires.
So there is one more question to ask, and it is probably the most important:
Ever since I heard about “texts from last night,” where anonymous people post supposedly real text messages as a public record of their awkwardness, depravity or boundless wit, I was skeptical. Surely America’s youth isn’t so awesome. I feel like half of the posts on the site are the fantasies of nerds who sit at home every weekend crafting intentionally grammatically incorrect texts, carefully tailored to reflect their exaggerated notion of the nonstop party that is the lives of their more attractive peers. To better reflect what the site would be like if every text were bonafide, here is a collection of actual texts from my phone, all summarily rejected from tfln on account of me being a semi-normal, boring and almost responsible young adult.
(662): Have you seen my socks?
(662): Sorry. You know how I love proofreading.
(662): I have an ethernet cable if you get desperate
(662): I’m reading one of the 11 books I bought yesterday
(662): Well, studying is probaly a better idea than Everclear. The drink or the band.*
*This last one actually had a chance, what with the alcohol reference and the misspelling, but I think the author’s preference for studying ultimately led to its demise.
Really, why haven’t any of these crazy popular internet memes been used to sell anything?* As far as I know, adorable cats and Bill O’Reilly outburst remixes are not copyrighted. If Keyboard Cat started endorsing anything, I’d snap it up in a heartbeat. Rivers Cuomo knows what I am talking about, but sadly he is just a rock star still successfully selling himself as hip and relevant despite years of mediocre albums, and knows nothing of the world of business.
Still, I’m excited that this new “You Lie!” meme has gotten the Internet all atwitter. I had previously thought that the Internet had reached it’s logical conclusion with the Keyboard Cat Helen Hall & Oats video, and would be shut down within months as the world self-actualized itself, but here again I am proven wrong. Thanks, Joe Wilson.