I hear the fantasy sports are popular with the kids these days, along with their googles and myfaces and all, although I wouldn’t know because I am 87 years old. I mean, I play fantasy soccer, but only because I was trying to set up my electronic postage so I can send e-telegrams to my 72 grandchildren and somehow ended up picking a team of 11 English Premier League players. Anyways, let’s just assume that’s what the kids are doing too.
Now let’s assume that we could assign fantasy points to everything in our lives. Recycling would be +2 points, using Axe body spray or not holding the door open for an old lady would be -4, and winning the Nobel Peace Prize would earn you +2000 while inciting genocide would set you back a harsh million. Come every Saturday, local winners would get a milkshake or something, and the losers would be flogged and generally humiliated. Every four years, a global winner would be picked and become President of the World, no questions asked. No one would go to jail, because murder is an automatic 1800 point deduction and puts you out of the running for a delicious milkshake, which is impossible to resist. And then society halts its inevitable march to the apocalypse, at least for a few years. Whew.
Oh and obviously, being Jeff Dunham would be an automatic -12 million.
Gold-Bears. More like Best-Bears, amiright? You’d think that other things comprised of corn syrup and gelatin would taste the same, but nope. Nothing can quite match that light fruity squishy-sweet brilliance. Which is weird. Haribo Gold-Bears are the original. Why hasn’t anything after it managed to best it? It goes against evolution.
You think the first person to make a steak got it just right? No, they tore it from a still dying almost-carcass they had just taken down with a spear. It took at least a few million years to achieve the Triple Stack Baconator. But since then food evolution has moved at a rapid rate. Remember when yogurt had to be eaten with a spoon? Now you can Go-gurt it straight down your throat. Case closed!
But what makes Gold-Bears the best? Is it the creepy yellow pedo-bear? Is it the allure of the gaudy gold trim? Or could it be the poorly translated tag line on the bag: “Kids and grown-ups love it so,” —So what? Haribo, you are dumb and German but I still love you.
Don Draper. What a man. Where we’re going, we won’t need keys:
When Mad Men is over, I hope they make a spin-off series with Don just going around kicking in doors, vaulting over bars and mixing drinks. It’d be the Joanie Loves Chachi of our generation. Or flash forward to the 70’s, where during the economic downturn Roger and Don team up to do some private detective work on the side. They’d be kicking down doors, vaulting over bars and mixing drinks… with mustaches. Giant, bushy, 70’s pornstar mustaches. Then a quick shave and it’s back to work at Sterling Cooper Draper British Guy & Olsen the next morning.
“If the demand is inelastic, your price is always too low”—
Or someone. I don’t know. The Jesus Christ of marketing, I guess. For a refresher, inelastic demand happens when people are so desperate to have something that the demand doesn’t change no matter how high you raise the price. Stuff like gas, healthcare, and drugs (legal, definitely not legal and now introducing kinda confusingly sometimes legal for medical uses!).
Question of the Day: is it disgusting to exploit things like this? Keep in mind, “things” in this instance refers to the lengths people are prepared to go (monetarily, at least) to to stay alive, mobile and happy.
Bonus: What if marketing was a religion? You can justify a lot of awful things under the guise of religion. Maybe it already is one? Like Scientology, but instead of luring rich gullible celebrities it attracts rich heartless suits.*
*I kid marketing. It’s okay for the most part. Just not quotes like these. More marketing for everyone!