We have too many seriously lame holidays in this country. Columbus Day? The man was a pompous tyrant who still thought he had landed in Asia until his dying day. Arbor Day, are you kidding me? President’s Day? Presidents Shmesidents. Christmas? OK we can keep Christmas.
I propose, as Secretary of Holidays, that we get rid of these offenders and replace them with a select number of weather holidays. Whenever the weather outside is so impossibly lovely (such as today) that it’s a crime to keep people inside working, the mayor can enact a public holiday. Schools will close, banks and businesses will shut down and everyone can go out and play. Naturally, pools, frisbee shops, bars and restaurants with patio seating will have to stay open, but those employees should be happy with the public service they’re providing.
With this act, holiday awesomeness should shoot up roughly 429%, which would make my term as Secretary of Holidays the most successful since the famed “Cupcake day McAdams” administration of the 1870’s.
So remember, VOTE SA25489 FOR SECRETARY OF HOLIDAYS 2010!
Naps freak me out. When I was three I told my mom I wasn’t going to take them anymore, and with good reason. You’re awake, doing things with full deliberateness and knowledge of your existence, then you’re awake again, only groggy and often in some contorted position, with 20 or so minutes having passed that are unaccounted for. What the hell happened? Were you roofied? Was it alien abduction? Did you have some kind of brain aneurysm and wake up a different person? It’s not like normal 8 hour night sleeping, that is scheduled and routine and gives you time to lock your door and snuggle under covers. Sometimes you feel even worse afterwards. What the hell, body?
Someone should look into this, is all I’m saying. Like, scientists.